Saturday, January 29, 2011

Something Is Seriously, Seriously Wrong Here

How in the name of Bettman's butthole did Marvel manage to make the Duck a cooler superhero than the Shark?  That is complete horseshit!  That is a total perversion of the natural order of things!  Sharks are unarguably right there with eagles and dragons as some of the coolest animals, bar none.  And sharks have been that cool for over 420 million years!*  Ducks are quite possibly the least intimidating creatures in the world.  What happened?  How did the Shark end up becoming some webbed-handed, awkward-looking man-shark thing with a dorsal fin sticking out of its head?  It makes him look like some kind of angy, 'roided-out hadrasaur.

Even proverbially, sharks are slick, cold-hearted hustlers who bully you around or take your money.  Ducks, on the other hand, aside from their propensity for being put in a row, are known only for being completely helpless!  Think "duck hunt."  "Lame duck."  "Sitting ducks."  Fuck a duck.  Ducks suck!  And yet while the Shark, who hails from the technology capital of the world, gets blindness and this weird technopathy thing, the Duck is the one that gets to have all the cool gadgets and weapons!  Not only that, the Duck surfs, which is totally coolerthan water-skiing.  Better than that, the Duck has actually got a jet-propelled hoverboard.  Why is the Shark skiing, anyway?  He has gills and hundreds of titanium teeth.  This guy should be eating surfers.**
Finally, a rebel with a trust fund from Orange County should not be a cool, relatable character.  But he's basically an asshole with a shit-ton of money and a genius IQ, which we've already seen is a winning combination if you can get Robert Downey, Jr. for the role.  He's a happy-go-lucky, bad-ass marine version of the Duck in the Iron Mask.
Whereas the Shark, I quote, "is the least likely to be the lightening rod for any particular mission or cause.  However, the Shark can change his demeanor at a moment's notice and exhibit a more tenacious side.  At these moments he cares only about his objective."  ..........Soo basically he doesn't have any nemesis, character, or loyalties of his own whatsoever.
Congratulations, Marvel.  It pains me to no end to say it, but by making the Duck into a U.S. Marine with a penchant for having fun and his own Q Division and the Shark into an ugly, uncharacterized abomination, you have done the impossible: you have made the Duck cooler than the Shark.
I hope you're happy, Assholes.

*thanks, Wikipedia!
**by the way, if you haven't played the game Jaws Unleashed for playstation, go do it right now!

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